Lonely
by zorro x
Summary: Seth comes home, and finds that nothing ever changes, except the things that do.


**Lonely**  
  
Seth was shopping for CD's alone.  
  
This wasn't, in fact, a major change from the way things always were. Seth had never really had any problem with being alone. Not because he was like Ryan, with that ingrained need for solitude- no, Seth would be perfectly happy to be surrounded by people for the rest of his life, so long as none of them were trying to beat him up. If Seth was perfectly honest with himself, which he more or less tried to be, than he had to admit he didn't mind being alone because he was, well, used to it.  
  
It's not even that he didn't have friends any more, because he did. Summer was still talking to him, still having the sex with him, and he'd even talked to Marissa several times, although he couldn't stop himself from irrationally blaming her for everything he knew was, well, sort of her fault, but sort of his fault, too, and maybe a little bit Theresa's fault- who was he kidding? It was Ryan's fault, both for not wearing a condom and for running off like the hero he tried so hard to be to be. And none of this related even a little bit to his original point (except in all the ways it did,) which was that he was, once again, shopping for CD's alone.  
  
He didn't mind it, really. Well, that was a lie, and he was trying really really hard to stop lying to himself, so maybe he did mind, a little. He wasn't even sure what he minded, although he was having trouble choosing between a CD he owned but had scratched irreparably- a truly excellent CD, he might add- and a brand new, never before heard by Seth Cohen, disc. If there were someone else there, for instance Summer, she could tell him whether or not it was worth taking the risk on the new CD, or if he'd be better off sticking to what he knew he liked, and wanted. Except that Summer was never any good at that, helping other people, and he did love her, but she'd probably just roll her eyes and go look at snakeskin CD cases, or something.  
  
Seth felt a surge of anger flow through him, though he tried really hard not to. He'd come back from his impromptu boat trip and thought he might be changed, but life had quickly just... reverted back to it's usual self. Summer had smacked him on the arm and forgiven him, his parents had lectured and grounded for a weekend, and gone back to talking like nothing had changed, just ignoring the huge elephant in the middle of the room. The huge, polka-dotted elephant that sang and danced and made jazz hands, and was shaped vaguely like Ryan. Except for the singing and dancing, although, Seth reminded himself, Ryan was a musical man.  
  
But that was the problem, really. Ryan had been a musical boy. What he was now-  
  
Seth wondered whether tiptoeing around that elephant might not be a good policy. Some things hurt too much.  
  
He put both the CD's back and moved on. Maybe something else would catch his eye. Summer said she'd call tomorrow, maybe he could come back with her. Except that her life was full, and busy, and while there was always time for the sex, there was less and less time for hanging out. Although she loved him. Summer loved him.  
  
But that was no longer new and exciting, just a stable in his life. Maybe the only stable in his life. His parents sickly sweetness was grating desperately on his nerves and Marissa was drinking again and Caleb and Julie- ugh, god forbid, he was not thinking about them at all.  
  
He'd gone to see Ryan. They were still friends, and while Seth still considered Ryan his very best friend ever, things had been... Weird.  
  
There had been no electricity. Seth had come in and hugged Ryan, first thing, and said hello to Theresa who was sitting on the couch. They talked about Seth's little trip- well, he talked, Ryan just sat there and it was impossible to tell, really, if he was bored or not- and Theresa's Mom wandered in and said the electricity was out again, and they really had to start helping with the bills. And then Theresa had started talking about money, and how they'd been looking for work, and Seth sat there uncomfortable and mentioned that they might have less money, since Caleb's business was going- well, to jail, really- but Seth broke and Ryan broke were two very different things.  
  
And he had felt like an idiot. He had $600 bucks of his own at home that he would have given to Ryan in a heartbeat, except Ryan would never ask or even accept, and he was saving up to buy his own car since his parents wouldn't. And he'd talked, hadn't really stopped talking, until it got too awkward and he said he had too many things to do, and left.  
  
Seth had never felt so young in his life and he'd gone home and cried, and then gone shopping for CD's. Alone. Once upon a time, Ryan would have been here, and he wouldn't have actually said anything or been any help at all, just hovered in the background bored, but he would have been someone to talk to, and Seth wasn't really fond of the idea of getting back into the habit of being alone.  
  
He hoped it wasn't this way for Ryan, Seth thought as he went back and grabbed both CD's to take to the register. Having once had someone, Seth was loathe to go back to having no one, because being alone wasn't as easy. He hoped without much hope, really, just a sort of dull sorrow, that Ryan slid Chino back on like a favorite shoe, like of his favorite, worn-in boots, that it wasn't so hard for him. That it wasn't so hard.  
  
Seth would do anything at all for Ryan, anything at all, but he thought it might finally be time to accept that he was still a kid, and Ryan was a man. A man he couldn't help. That big fucking elephant in the middle of the room, and was his hand shaking? Just a little. His voice cracked when he wished the cashier good day and Seth thought that maybe he'd call Summer, even though she was busy.  
  
He didn't want to get used to it. He didn't want to get used to it at all.


End file.
